Captain's Blog: A List Of What I Think Jay-Z's 99 Problems Are


It's the top of the year and as any normal person, I have started thinking about everything that's wrong with me because apparently, as the year starts, that's what we're supposed to do.

As I started thinking about my problems, I started thinking that we never found out what all of Jay-Z's "99 Problems" were. Since a bitch wasn't one, I figured I'd make my own list of case I'm not the only one that was wondering. Maybe after reading this list, you'll love him a little bit more.

Here's the list...

  1. Can’t open a child-proof bottle of aspirin.
  2. Needs to find a word that rhymes with orange.
  3. Needs to convince media he did NOT get his lip collagen injections.
  4. Figuring out a Rubix cube.
  5. Can’t figure out how Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
  6. Wishes he could be the sidekick on "Psych."
  7. Wants to be in the next Twilight but is afraid 50 Cent will beat him to it.
  8. Trying to pick what musical to lay down beats to since Annie worked so well.
  9. Wants to fly a kite but afraid he won’t look cool.
  10. Wonders if he can make more Blueprint albums than there are Harry Potter movies.
  11. House-breaking his dog (male though so it’s not a bitch)
  12. Writing a rap based on his love of The Onion.
  13. Finding a 14kt. gold Chinese jump rope.
  14. Finding caviar flavored Ramen noodles.
  15. Trying to cast a black version of Gilligan’s Island.
  16. Trying to create a rap Affliction line of t-shirts.
  17. Wants to ride a carousel but feels like fans won’t understand.
  18. Sad that Ross and Rachel weren’t real people.
  19. Tried fava beans and a bottle of chianti and hated it.
  20. Trying to teach Kanye to be humble.
  21. Afraid he won’t guess the price of the Showcase Showdown on Price is Right accurate enough to win BOTH showdowns
  22. Trying to convince Dunkin’ Donuts to open up locations in California.
  23. Cries at the end of the Selena movie.
  24. Wants to start rapping as a ventriloquist.
  25. No one will publish his children’s book called “Jay to Z: Learning the alphabet on the streets”
  26. Refuses to throw away his “Rumpshaker” t-shirt signed by Wreckx-N-Effect.
  27. Can’t find Michael McCary of Boyz II Men to speak his lyrics in the background of his new album.
  28. Pissed he can’t find candy canes year round.
  29. Is running out of his “Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific” Shampoo.
  30. Having to renew the plates on his Bentley.
  31. Doesn’t know what to call P. Diddy, Puffy, Puff…this week.
  32. CBS passed on his pitch “CSI: Thug Life.”
  33. Can’t admit that he’s the only rapper to never see Scarface.
  34. Hopes no one finds his baton twirling appearance on Star Search.
  35. Loves riding mechanical bulls but wakes up sore the next day.
  36. Wants to be Capt. Kirk for Star Trek conventions but has to settle for being Lamar Burton’s character, Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge.
  37. Likes burning popcorn a little but then his penthouse smells for days.
  38. Wants to help the less fortunate but in his case, that means pretty much anyone that is NOT Jay Z.
  39. Lost his double dutch trophy the last time he moved.
  40. Wishes people could see the true inner beauty of Ugly Betty.
  41. Lost a bet that Foghorn Leghorn is Cajun.
  42. Would love to get a rose from The Bachelor.
  43. Thinks of P.Diddy peeing when he says his name “Pee, Diddy.”
  44. Trying to hire a circus performer to do a Jay-Z Cirque de Soleil show.
  45. Trying to limit the number of times he says “Hey, Ho!” in a song.
  46. Can’t admit his Shake Weight works.
  47. Refuses to buy OxyClean because he doesn’t want his clothes that white.
  48. Tired of white teens saying they’re just like him.
  49. Trying to sell a new Transformer movie starring 90’s one-hit wonder Snow and call it “Transformer Informer.”
  50. Doesn’t want anyone to know he was an Eagle Scout.
  51. Wishes he could have the balls to dress up in costume like Cee-Lo Green.
  52. Thought the movie “Coming to America” was about Mexicans.
  53. Mad that Stella got her groove  back NOT listening to Jay-Z.
  54. Trying to deal with the fact that Eminem is more black than him.
  55. Can’t find a store that still sells Crystal Pepsi.
  56. Is the only person that finds The Cleveland Show funny.
  57. Can’t find the number to Snoop Dogg’s braid stylist.
  58. Doesn’t know what flavor Flava Flav is.
  59. Afraid that Maury Povich will tell Beyonce that Jay-Z…is not the father!
  60. Doesn’t like that the Shamrock Shake goes away.
  61. Has never won a game of Jenga.
  62. Hasn’t received his Doctor Who Fan Club membership card.
  63. Wanted to replace Charlie Sheen in Two And A Half Men and change the name to "Jay-Z loves Duckie."
  64. Wonders if Lady Gaga means that by "Born This Way," she meant in an egg.
  65. Doesn’t want you to know he’s more of a Charlotte than a Carrie.
  66. Needs to find another rapper to recreate the opening number to Laverne and Shirley.
  67. Sad that he can’t have an M&M as a pet.
  68. He needs to hire a maid for his maid.
  69. Needs to baby-proof the Maserati.
  70. Is afraid the price of Vin Diesel will go up along with regular gas prices.
  71. Worried that people will find him dancing in the Debbie Gibson “Electric Youth” video.
  72. Needs to keep Spike Lee’s ticklish spots a secret.
  73. Hates wearing red to Target and getting confused for someone that works there.
  74. Just found out Bill O'Reilly is a big fan of his.
  75. Has the outfit George Michael wore in the "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" video.
  76. Doesn't understand why the witnesses are so mad on every Law and Order episode.
  77. Trying to make Beyonce get fat so that she can get her own Weight Watchers commercial.
  78. Trying to get his baby into the studio next week to beat out Willow Smith.
  79. Wishes he could "dance on the ceiling" with Lionel Ritchie.
  80. Trying to find the basement at the Alamo.
  81. Loves Teen Mom but doesn't want to lose street cred.
  82. Has to wear clothes designed by the House of Dereon.
  83. Sad he was never part of Menudo.
  84. Just found out Johnny 5 was not alive.
  85. Wants to be one of Oprah's favorite things.
  86. None of the day laborers he's picked up can produce a record.
  87. Just realized that his porn name would be: Candy Applebottom.
  88. Is a BIG fan of Mork & Mindy.
  89. Needs to get his bald eagle jacket cleaned.
  90. Can't find Rihanna's umbrella, ella, ella, ella.
  91. Wants to know if the kid from Another Bad Creation and Iesha ever married.
  92. Disagrees with R. Kelly: He thinks there's something wrong with a little bump and grind.
  93. Wishes Sherman Hemsley was still making Amen episodes.
  94. Has to send a Facebook email to 10 more people by midnight so that he doesn't have bad luck for 7 years.
  95. Wants to convince Hall & Oates to become a trio with him because he LOVES the song "Maneater."
  96. He really misses Tevin Campbell.
  97. He was the 6th Beatle.
  98. Trying to deport Carmen Sandiego so that he finally knows where she is at all times.
  99. Trying to locate Shanice to tell her he loves her smile.